The Lie of “Let It Go”: Why Radical Acceptance Fails Neurodivergent Survivors in Oppressive Systems.
The Unacceptable Demand for Conformity.
This essay is based on my own personal experiences as an AFAB gender non-conforming neurodivergent individual subjected to severe childhood trauma within the family system and society.
Just because something is required of me does not mean it’s good for me.
I was in kindergarten when my family first moved us to Columbus for a job. My first day in the new school, kindergarten, I was bullied. A fat boy at the table we were sitting at to have our snacks called me fatty Patti. I responded by dumping my juice on his head because I feel insults as physical pain due to my neurodivergence and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, a component of ADHD. It also was not possible for me to inhibit the impulse. I was 5 years old.
Was I supposed to not defend myself? Apparently I was because I was punished while the teacher tried to smooth his ego for having a girl dump juice on his head.
My response (dumping juice) to this fat boy’s painful insult was an immediate, uninhibited reaction to the physical pain I experienced, yet I was immediately punished while the aggressor was soothed. This established the foundational, abusive lesson: Self-defense is unacceptable, and the neurodivergent response to pain is always wrong.
This set the stage for the rest of my life. I was forced to comply, forced to follow every rule with the consequences being rejection and physical pain, if not from a fist then from the feelings evoked by the abuse I survived for 12 years.
Abusive systems and abusive parents worked in tandem in an attempt to mold me into something suitable for wife material, to prepare me for a husband by subjugating my own wants, needs and desires. I was told what to wear, what to say, how to be in order to be acceptable wife material. I was groomed to be compliant for sexual gratification of my abusers as well.
Every time I speak truth to power, I am subjected to various forms of abuse and negativity. I am expected to prioritize the comfort of those who would cause me harm over my self preservation. The abuser in the small setting, the home, school or employment, takes on the role of the oppressor, which is rewarded by the oppressive system by those higher up.
Conformity leads to stagnation. Authoritarianism leads to entropy. The patriarchy established imperialism, which drives the oppressive systems under the false premise that they are for the good of the people, when in fact they are only good for the oppressors and all who benefit from our compliance.
This demand for compliance is the mechanism by which the abuser and the system maintain its power, which ultimately benefits those in power.
People often tell me I need to let go of my trauma while I’m still being traumatized, to practice radical acceptance. I have an answer to that.
Why letting go is often impossible for AFAB folx who are AuDHD with CPTSD from childhood trauma while still living in an abusive environment:
Letting go does not happen in the absence of safety. Safety is not merely the absence of abuse, for micro aggressions, which can be explained away as misunderstandings, sustain the ongoing harm just below the level of conscious awareness except the one affected.
What the underlying message is we are expected to adapt to the unacceptable. That requires radical acceptance.
Radical acceptance is what is required in situations that cannot be escaped. Letting go of hope, the expectation that the future will improve, requires power over one’s self which is unsustainable without some corresponding, even minimal, power over one’s circumstances.
That’s what’s meant by “Let it go.”
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(⊙‿⊙✿)
-::WickedLizzie::-